more treats than tricks!

i had my consultation this morning with the thorasic surgeon and the good news is that he doesn't think it's cancer! he's not sure *what* it is, but it doesn't look or act like cancer. at this point, he's going to take my scan and show other specialists to get their opinion and call me back in 2 weeks.

turns out that it's not a mass on my lung - it's actually between the top of my lungs that's near the thymus area behind my heart (which is one of the reasons the radiologist suggested it could be thymoma or lymphoma).

so now i'm waiting to hear whether they think we should have a biopsy (and possibly surgically remove it) or just constantly monitor it for any changes (which means pregnancies will have to be on hold ). i'm certainly disappointed we can't try to get pregnant again (since i'm not getting any younger!), but i'm more glad that it's not cancer and i'll be around to try later.

with all the bad news lately - 2007 better rock nuts!!

still waiting

i'm still waiting for answers about what's really going on with the lung mass. i learned after waiting for the amnio results last time that the waiting is definitely one of the hardest parts for possible bad news. at least if i knew for sure - yes i have cancer - i could be strong, deal, and move on. but just waiting around for little tidbits of information tends to make me obsessive about it all.

i'm going to try to take my own advice and just not think about it. i have a consultation with a thorasic surgeon next week (on halloween!) and i'll hopefully know more then.

ct scan update

i had the ct scan yesterday and it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be since i didn't have to get the iodine injection. unfortunately, the results weren't good news. the spot the dr originally noticed wasn't anything, but the ct scan showed another spot near my heart that could be something more sinister. i'll be talking with a specialist soon for them to determine if i have to go in for a biopsy of the mass in my lung or if i can have other non-invasive tests done to determine what the mass is.

think good thoughts for me!

if it's not one thing, it's another!

around 3 months into the pregnancy, i started hearing / feeling my pulse in my left ear / neck. it was so loud at times that i thought others could hear it. i didn't think anything of it since there's a lot of blood pumping thru my veins for the baby. after the termination, i thought it would go away, but it hasn't, and of course every time i hear it, it reminds me of the pregnancy.

i finally went to see the dr on tuesday (2-1/2 months after the end of the pregnancy) and she said everything seemed fine. i had an EKG (b/c i had a few palpitations during the first 2 months of the pregnancy) and it was ok. unfortunately, the x-ray showed a spot on my right lung. i'm trying not to freak out by telling myself it could be scar tissue from when i had the mother of all coughs 2 years ago when i had bronchitus, but it could be a blockage that's related to the neck pulse thing, or it could be something more dreadful.

i have an appt for a cat scan in 1-1/2 weeks. i'll just have to try to not think about it so much until i get the final results.

it's been 3 years!

that's right - i'll have been mrs. miller for 3 years tomorrow! it seems like a lifetime, too. gary & i started dating in october 2000 - our first real kiss was after watching the halloween episode of "buffy the vampire slayer" in a friend's parking lot. things were rocky for a while (even breaking up twice along the way), but these last 3 years have been the happiest of my life. to share so many ups & downs with your best friend is something i would never trade.

we've done so much in those 3 years:
* we got married on oct 4, 2003
* honeymooned in niagara falls
* quit our jobs in december 2003 and drove across country to seattle (i think we got here january 2, 2004)
* gary found a job in march 2004, then another in december 2004
* my job history is a little longer - got a temp job in march 2004, found a permanent job in may 2004, got a new job in april 2006, but i'm leaving it to start another in 2 weeks
* bought our house in may 2004
* had our first pregnancy from march-july 2006

i think all of these are on lists that cause the most stress in a marriage. however, the odd thing is that i think it really just made us stronger along the way.

so, gary, if you're reading this - i love you, hon!

politics hitting close to home

when we were dealing with the termination of the pregnancy, i was (understandably) wrapped up in what was going on personally instead of thinking of outside factors. i still have a hard time dealing with the grief occasionally, and i find that i still read stories about others that have gone thru the same thing to help me move past this and look forward to the next pregnancy. i read a pretty powerful article today that reminded me of the horrible politics of what women like me have to go thru every day. the writer also terminated due to a poor prenatal diagnosis, but brought to light how scary it would be to be in our situation if the closed-minded politicians had their way and banned abortion - even for medical reasons.

"Now, it's like the Stone Age, it's like a Muslim country here," says the doctor who performed my procedure. "This is the most backward law, it is not for a civilized country. If this was Iran, Iraq, I wouldn't be surprised. But to pass this law in the United States, what is this government doing?"

there were a few quotes from the article that reflects exactly how i've felt over these past few months:

I don't remember much from those three days. Walking around with a belly full of broken dreams, it felt like what I would imagine drowning feels like -- flailing and suffocating and desperate. Semiconscious. Surrounded by our family, I found myself tortured by our decision, asking over and over, are we doing the right thing? That was the hardest part. Even though I finally understood that pregnancy wasn't a Gerber commercial, that bringing forth life was intimately wrapped up in death -- what with miscarriage and stillbirth -- this was actually a choice. Everyone said, of course it's the right thing to do -- even my Catholic father and my Republican father-in-law, neither of whom was ever "pro-choice." Because suddenly, for them, it wasn't about religious doctrine or political platforms. It was personal -- their son, their daughter, their grandchild. It was flesh and blood, as opposed to abstract ideology, and that changed everything.

For months, I hid from the world, avoiding social outings and weddings. I just couldn't bear well-meaning friends saying, "I'm so sorry." So I quarantined myself, and would try to go about my day -- but then, bam, heartbreak would come screaming out of the shadows, blindsiding me and leaving me crumpled on the floor of our house. It wasn't that I was questioning our decision. I knew we did it out of love, out of all the feeling in the world. But I still hated it. Hated it.

read the article